22 Sep 2017



The word I have been saying on repeat as you bump into people outside the school gates, making conversations over cups of tea at work or catching up with real life friends over glasses of wine.

"How have you been?"

"Busy. Tired"

My two default words - I hope I am not the only one.

Its not excuses really, its just a combination of life related things (back to school, sick children, childcare roulette, and an extremely busy time at my day job) 

I love this time of year, the change in seasons, the new beginnings and the back to school. But it does always seem to kick my behind and I feel like i'm constantly chasing my tail and falling behind.

Blogging and social media has begun to feel a bit like a chore - i'm not a born writer and I currently don't have the energy to be sitting up until midnight as my "day" job is super busy. I do often have ideas in my head of things to write things to say and things to do. The actual fruition of these actions is lacking. In response I feel like a failure. Building up the courage to sit back behind the keyboard and tap tap tap away. 

But here I am. Sitting and typing.

Our summer has come to end and I think partly I had this big guilt over it not being memorable. There was nothing amazing, no big days out. It was just 6 weeks of relaxed parenting, late nights and them being spoiled by the extended family.

Morden Hall Park
I have been reminding myself as I look back over the pictures on my phone that its smiley faces are shining though. They may not have had a big holiday abroad or trips to theme parks or festivals. We did have fun.

A difficult part of being a working parent is that the summer was also spent juggling work deadlines and childcare favours. Its meant that sunny days I have spent in a office or my husband under a van while they are sitting at my in-laws sofa or out shopping with my parents. Aunts and uncles have also played a part in the summer holidays with cinema trips, sweet treats and post nursery pick ups. Its always a juggle but somehow the school days I feel less guilty that I am working hard than in the summer. 

Being a working parent to me has also meant I have had to let go of the control. I put my faith in all the childcare providers (the grandmothers, the aunts, the school holiday clubs and nursery schools workers) that the main priority will be that the kids will be safe and fed. Everything else has to fall into line. and it did. We survived the 6 weeks unscathed (and fitted in a little holiday away too) and I managed to get all the school uniform labelled in time for September.

I then hit that wall of guilt once I sit down on the sofa for all of half an hour before crawling to bed I think " I should open my laptop, I should schedule tweets, I should think of something clever to write" I have been learning to switch of those thoughts, this little (and it is very little) space in the internet I have should be fun. I should not feel guilty. I should be mum.

Now we are kicking back into gear - back into school life. This big boy has stormed his way into year 3. Hes now in Juniors - which means less play times, swimming lessons at school and wearing a tie. Hes loving all the new things that comes with it. This year back at school we have also introduced one day a week (mostly!) at the after school care and his after school club of choice was science. We have struggled getting back into a routine, finding our feet again and me feeling like the new kid in the playground and no idea where to collect him from.

This dude on the other hand is continuing on his routine of mummy Mondays, two days a week with grandmother and two days a week at nursery. He is coming on leaps and bounds at nursery and will happily sit and write his name. His speech is getting better. We still have days of clingyness where he does not want to let me go. He looks so big in his "oouniform" which is basically a red jumper and a polo.

As much as I have all the guilt about me not being there all the time they are so happy and learning so much. I love hearing about what they enjoyed in the day, what made them happy and of course the cuddles and smiles at pick ups are great (granted the eldest does ask "why are you here now!" good job hes having fun)

Next steps for me. Attempting to feel positive, to rather than fret about the busy embrace it and give myself a break. Its not easy.

(thanks for reading this ramble if you get to the end!)

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