7 Oct 2016

Seasons change.

Summer has gone. Summer last year was hard. It was a struggle. This past summer I look back happy. There was sunny days, smiley kids, late nights, family time and lazy moments. It wasn't filled with s big holiday or big things. Instead it was little things. Little things with big memories. That's special. 

We've now moved from those days into the back to school. Boots and scarves. Streets lined with leaves all golden and crispy. Back to school assemblies and packed lunches. Busy weeks and weekends making time for everything else. 

But I've had this problem. And I've struggled with writing it down feeling the need to explain myself. To apologise. To those that stumble upon this little place I call mine. 
Photo credit: Gabriele Diaward
I've always been a worrier. I worry about worrying, it's been said. It's not great. I know this. And days when the skies are clear (in my head) I know this is all pointless. That we are doing OK. I'm doing OK. I face each day with conviction. I am motivated I get the kids to school. We have clean clothes. We eat fairly well. We have a family surrounding us with love and support. And my boys are thriving. They are happy. I'm doing well in my job. I get things done. 

But then there is the days when those seasons change. The grey stormy clouds in my head roll in. The thoughts turn dark. I feel overwhelmed and a failure. I convince myself I am not good enough. I'm not trying hard enough. I'm letting my kids down, my husband down. My parents must feel embarrassed by having me as a daughter. My place at work is slipping away. There is someone better than me, I must try harder. I'm not feeding my family the best. I'm overweight. I'm lazy. 

These thoughts hammer in my head. I stand firm and still make it through the day. Like you do when the storm is raging and you still make that walk to shops. It's what's needed of me. I need to keep one foot in front of the other. But I let the rain hammer down on me. Making my spirits sink. I bury my head down deep into my coat, but I keep powering forward. That rain knocking at my head but my outward appearance to those around me is one of copying, and confident. Things get down, everyone gets where they need to be, I go to work, we eat dinner, the clothes get washed, the shopping gets done.
Photo credit: Mike McGrall
These past few weeks that storm has turned into a hurricane raging in my head. I couldn't stop the tears, my outward approach dropped. I felt pain in my head, my eyes. I couldn't focus. I was getting lost in the storm. I needed to find my center.

Those grey foggy clouds started to disappear, the blue skies have begun to appear again. I am seeing things a bit more clearly. I am finding my feet again.

I am no fixed. These grey foggy moments will continue to battle at me. Its hard to know I am my own worst enemy. I am the cause to the feeling so helpless in the middle of a storm. Mostly my blue skies shine through and I am thankful and blessed for the life that I live.

Writing this down as a way of apologiseing for the silence. I am finding my feet and sometimes social media is not the best place to do this. It adds to the feeling of not being good enough. I needed all my energy to stand up to the storm and keep life ticking by. Anything else needed to go on hold - this included baking, blogging and general Instagram stuff. I retreated to books and crochet, TV and taking it easy.

As always the seasons change. Embracing this fact and knowing this too shall pass.

Blue skies thinking and all that.

L




4 comments:

  1. I worry a lot too, all the time, and often about things that I've actually just made up in my mind and aren't real. Thanks so much for sharing with #kcacols we hope to see you back again soon!

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  2. Oh my goodness, I can completely relate. I have been going through a similar experience recently too and it's really tough. I hope you are still moving towards a happy time again. I think life is full of these ups-and-downs. Some just hit so much harder than others. Thank-you for sharing your experience x #KCACOLS

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  3. I know what you mean. I also worry a lot, sometimes too much which is annoying. But I have learnt lately to stop doing that and just carry on because it won't do any good to me. As Angela said above, life is full of up-and-dows. There will be bad days but certainly there will be good days too and we should be aiming for those! ;-) I'm glad to hear that this moment is passing and that you are seeing blue skies now! Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. It is great to have you, :-) x

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  4. I tend to worry about a lot of things and as a result found the whole social aspect of blogging terrifying but I've settled into it now. It's taken time but I've gotten to a good place and hope you manage to find more blue skies #kcacols

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