A word that evokes so much feeling. A warm feeling, a smile that reaches up to eyes, that makes you have a little spring in your step.
It's something at times I struggle with. I feel myself slipping into a dark tunnel where all I see is the bad things. Unable to focus on the good. I'm very good at putting on the smile, the mask and faking through the worrying.
Thinking about happiness and when I felt happy. Of course there are happy moments during the day but thinking about happiness as a whole there are times, moments that I can think of truly happy warm in the tummy smile up to my eyes times.
Finding out I was pregnant. The first time was a bit of shock first. But I remember (before the worry kicked in) that feeling of elation, a new life is being created in my tummy. How wonderful the world is where this can happen. Where people begin there life. That happiness, that secret smile, that hand squeezing excitement happiness.
I felt the happiness everytime I had a scan or they found babies heartbeat. Where that little life I was growing could be seen or heard. It was real.
Our wedding day was filled with such happiness too. I think I smiled all day. Even in the photos outside the registry office I remember feeling so nervous but still had that silly smile across my face. Peaking through the window and seeing K holding M. Even now that feeling in my tummy when I think about the joy I felt on that day. Sure things didn't go exactly to plan but it was our happy day.
I felt happiness when our boys where brought safely into the world. When you first hear that cry. See that beautiful face. Hold that tiny hand. Kiss that perfect head.
My days at times now are hard. Are stressful. Are busy. But the happiness I feel when having a cuddle with my boys, hearing M chat away, watching them play together. It makes me feel proud. It makes me feel lucky. It makes me feel happy. Sure they are not perfect and I do have days where I send texts to hubby which basically say "arrrggghhh" or when I feel like I achieve nothing all day as I have a child strapped to me at all times. But there is always something small to be happy at:- like being able to put some washing away, a glass of ice cold diet coke, a sneaky chocolate biscuit, that lunch was eaten without tears, that I cooked a nice dinner. These small things are not much but they at least remind me that yes the big moments provide the happy memories but the small moments give you the happy thoughts to get through the day.
What happened today to make you happy?