I formula feed my son.
Phew. I said it.
See I told you it was silly.
The important thing is he's being fed right. And I'm feeding him milk and not tea or diet coke. That he's gaining weight. That he's happy and healthy. That he's doing well.
So why do I feel like it's a dirty little secret?
Why is it I feel embarrassed to admit out loud here that I formula feed. Why do I feel like I've done things wrong by my son because I formula feed. I shouldn't.
I have such a respect and admiration for all those amazing women out there who breast feed. Who are strong, much stronger than me. Who keep trying. Who battle through. Who feed there children in a most natural way. I really wanted to be that mum. To be that mum who would sit and breast feed her child. Be that in sync with their Little bundle. I am not one of them.
I tried. In the early days, it worked so well. Baby was doing well. I was doing well. All was going well. But then I fell apart. I cried. A lot. A good friend of mine called me and I just cried. I felt like a failure. I felt like I wasn't being a proper mum. I felt like I was letting my son down.
But giving him that bottle was like a weight lifting off my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe. I sat and gave him a bottle and all seemed calm. It's hard to explain and it's hard to admit that's how I felt.
The early days I struggled and I could see that. I was a complete bundle if nerves. My aniexty was through the roof. I was worrying about so much but the bottle meant that his feeding was not one of them. He took to the bottles well. Has fell into a routine. And by the time hubby was back to work I was on a much more even keel. I expressed for a while but we are now exclusively bottle fed.
It's hard to find the words as I feel like I have to explain why I'm bottle feeding. But that shouldn't be the case should it. I'm feeding him. That's the important part.
Not breast feeding him has not given us any less of a bond. He's my little buddy. He loves being close to me. He sleeps better holding my hand. He smiles when he sees me or hears my voice. I'm his mummy.
We are in a good routine now. I follow his cues. He follows mine. We're a team.
We've been using the MAM bottles and I love them. We had a few instances in early days with leaking but that's better now. I like the fact that I can take one bottle out to a house and sterilise it there in the mircowave. The teats are nice and small and don't overwhelm little one.
We are on cow and gate comfort milk but have added gaviscon as little man was quite sick in the early days. But it's settling now.
So there. I'm a bottle feeding mummy. That wasn't quite so bad hey?