And there had been a lot of tears. Mainly from me.
I knew throughout pregnancy I wanted to try breastfeeding again with this baby. By day 5 I had been exclusively breastfeeding. However this came with some ups and downs. And that morning K found me sobbing my eyes out, the baby screaming. I was in so much pain feeding causing bleeding as well. Seeing your child with your own blood smeared on his face or bringing it back up was not nice. We then got some formula. Our child was hungry and I could not feed him. I am lucky that we could do this so easily and also that N drank it down. Calm desended on our house.
I spent most of the rest of the day tearful. Feeling overwhelming guilt. I got some great support from some lovely friends and I carried on expressing. I'm able to give N at least one breast milk bottle a day. I am happy with this. I know breast feeding is the best thing for baby. Unfortunatly I don't think it's the best thing for me. And it was very hard admitting that. I have complete respect and awe for all those mummies that do it. You are much stronger than me x
Apart from tears about that I've been feeling overwhelming aniexty most days. And keep bursting into tears. The list of things I am scared/worried of is long. But each day I am getting a little better and crying a little less. I'm tired as I seem to have developed and inability to relax due to this state of worry. I'm sure it will get easier.
We are all learning how to get through this together. And yes I am worried about coping. But I have two boys now that need me. I've just gotta take each day as it comes.